areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Randomize
