I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
