I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
did you just send me my own nude
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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