Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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