i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
