Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
