i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
