Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
