...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
