Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
