Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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