Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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