does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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