I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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