I have demons in me.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
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