I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
