turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Randomize
