So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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