everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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