Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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