I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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