i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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