all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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