I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
