i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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