just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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