If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
