Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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