Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize