Where did you get a picture of my penis
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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