I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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