My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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