she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
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