just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
