My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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