we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Randomize
