i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
