SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I should be sponsored by Trojan
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
