Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
