mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
