I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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