Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
