At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize