he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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