I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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