Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
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