genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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