I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
She even gives head with a lisp.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
