Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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