I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You ate ashes out of my bong
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
