you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
