dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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