hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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