Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
