alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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