My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
me + whiskey = a bad person
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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