just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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