the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
So much rum. So many feels.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
