Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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