I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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