i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
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