i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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