our cab driver is having phone sex.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
