how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
