matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Randomize
