Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
