its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
you mean i was at the winter classic?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize