How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
