He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
