my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
