i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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